Magic Snakes

Numbers 16

Every time someone questions Moses’ leadership, God kills people. Every time. But they keep doing it. I guess I would question the leadership of a man who strands me in the desert . . .unless I see that everyone else who does so ends up dead.

250 leaders question Moses. God opens up the earth to swallow them.

The group objects to this mass slaughter, so God sends a plague that kills 14,000 people. That’s right. The punishment for being opposed to the death penalty is 14,000 deaths. Exactly how many people were in this exodus anyway? How many are left?

Numbers 17

God tells the head of every household to bring a rod into the tabernacle. He makes Aaron’s rod bloom forth almonds and blossoms.

For some reason this neat trick makes everyone who is not Aaron fear that they are about to die. Actually, it’s not unreasonable to think that God is going to wipe out thousands of people. He just did that. He likes to do that.

Numbers 18

Still going on about all the offerings that must be given to the priestly caste. I get it. Give all your wealth to the priests. That’s one element of Judeo-Christianity that has not changed. Next topic please!

Numbers 19

God really wants an unblemished red heifer. He also is deeply grossed out by dead bodies and wants anyone who touches a corpse to ritually purify himself.

Numbers 20

The children of Israel complain that they are out of water. Honestly, that’s a very real concern. The only thing that makes them seem like brats is the repetitiveness of this narrative. Can they please just get to the land of milk and honey already?

Moses strikes a rock with his staff twice and water springs out.

Ideally, God will just provide for them from now on without them having to repeat the same rigmarole about “We should have never left Egypt.”

God kills Aaron. He gives a reason for it. I find the reason inscrutable, but maybe it makes sense to somebody somewhere.

Numbers 21

They win a battle.

They complain about the food again and God kills a bunch of them with fiery serpents. Then Moses makes a bronze serpent. Anyone who gets bitten by one of the fire snakes, simple has to look at the bronze serpent to be cured. Sweet bronze serpent. Pretty cool.

Some kings refuse to let the children of Israel pass through their land, so they fight and the children of Israel win.