God Might Be a Plagiarist?

Deuteronomy 21

So far, Deuteronomy has been astoundingly dull. Things are livening up in book 21!

Do you know how to atone for an unsolved murder? I do. Take a heifer in a valley and break it’s neck. Problem solved! God’s happy again.

If you take a woman captive during a war and then you desire her and want to marry her, all you have to do is shave her head and trim her nails, wait for a month and bing bang boom, you can go in to her. I think we all know what go in to her means. If you “have delight in her” you can marry her, if not you must set her free. Don’t sell her or “treat her brutally.” Because of course, there’s no brutality in kidnapping and raping her.

If you love one of your wives more than the other, you can’t just give firstborn son status to the son of the wife you love most. You have to give it to the one that was actually born first. Sorry, guys.

If you have a delinquent son who disobeys him, take him to the gates of the city. Once you get there, the elders will all stone him to death. Problem solved.

By the way, when you hang someone on a tree, don’t leave him there overnight. Cut him down and bury him.

Wow, so much important information for my spiritual journey. How relevant and helpful. I will bear all this in mind the next time I vote.

Deuteronomy 22

If you see your brother’s ox escaping, don’t just go about your business. Help him out. That one is actually good moral advice.

Don’t dress in the other gender’s clothing. Make a parapet around your roof so no one falls off. Don’t sow different types of seed in your field. Don’t plow with one ox and one donkey. Only one fiber per garment! No wool and linen blends. Sew tassels to the four corners of the garments you wear.

A few things. Trivial ones first. God doesn’t know that mono-culture is ineffective and irresponsible, so don’t listen to his advice about farming. What exactly are the corners of my garments? Do my garments have four corners? Importantly, if you’re ok with wool and linen blends, but you’re not ok with women wearing men’s clothes or vice versa, you’re a hypocrite. All of your beliefs are groundless. Try to get your mind in order.

Now there’s some weird stuff about how to prove that a woman is a virgin if her new husband contests it. It involves a cloth that I am assuming is a sheet. This is clearly based on a poor understanding of human anatomy. Supposedly God designed human anatomy, but he doesn’t know the first thing about the female reproductive system. He’s clearly a plagiarist; he doesn’t know his own work.

If a man sleeps with a married woman, kill them both. If a man rapes a betrothed woman, kill him. If a man rapes a woman who is not betrothed, he must pay her father 50 shekels and marry her. This is all so horrifying, I don’t even have the strength to explain exactly why it horrifies me.

Deuteronomy 23

Anyone who has been “emasculated by crushing or mutilation” is not allowed in the assembly of the Lord. That’s messed up. Illegitimate children are not allowed either, nor are their descendants for 10 generations. 10.

When the army is at camp, go outside the camp, dig a hole and bury your poo. God does not want to see that when he is among you. I am not making this up.

You shall not return an escaped slave to his master. Does anyone need any more evidence that Christianity has nothing to do with the Bible? I don’t. Throughout history people have done whatever was expedient for themselves and claimed that the Bible supports whatever they wanted to do. I don’t believe a single human has ever truly shaped their morality on the words in this book.

Deuteronomy 24

More laws, including some very socialist rules about leaving grain in your fields for the stranger, the widow and the fatherless.

Deuteronomy 25-26

Some crazy laws, including “If two men fight together, and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of the one attacking him, and puts her hand out and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; your eye shall not pity her.”

First of all, this situated had to have occurred enough times raise enough concern to merit its own law. Secondly, are we chopping women’s hands off as a punishment for wrongdoing or because her husband is so grossed by her hand coming into contact with another man’s nether region he has to get the hand out of his house? I would like to know.

 

It’s Only March and I’m Already So Bored

Deuteronomy 11

Everybody do the commandments, please. C’mon guys. I mean it.

Deuteronomy 12

Go ahead and eat all the gazelles you want! Just don’t eat the blood. No blood for you.

Deuteronomy 13

If anyone tells you to worship a different god, stone them to death.

Deuteronomy 14

Don’t cut yourself or your hair to express mourning. Remember about the rules about cloven hooves and chewing cud in reference to what animals you can and cannot eat. Remember to give plenty of food and money to the priests.

Deuteronomy 15-17

It’s so repetitive, I might lose my mind.

The only new information: choose a king, not a foreigner. He can’t have horses. He can’t have excessive wealth or wives. God is a socialist?

Deuteronomy 18

No witchcraft. A new prophet like Moses will appear. Moses, by the way, is the one proclaiming all of this, and he boldly declares that everyone will know the real prophet when his prophecies come true. Damn. Where’s he going to get a guy who knows the future, though?

Deuteronomy 19

One witness against a person is not enough to convict. You need at least two or three.

Deuteronomy 20

The priestly caste, who never has to fight, tells the warrior caste not to fear going into battle when they are outnumbered, because God is on their side.

 

 

Sigh. Deuteronomy is Just a Summary of the Last Three Books.

Deuteronomy 1-3

What is a dueteronomy anyway? Who decided to break this thing into books? At the end of Numbers, Moses was summarizing the Israelites’ journey out of Egypt. That’s exactly what he is still doing in Book 1 of Deuteronomy. So why divide it there? Sloppy writing.

Moses recounts their path to where they now stand, on the banks of the river Jordan which Moses cannot cross, because God is angry with him for the past disobedience of the people. That seems harsh. No one has done more for God than Moses. If anyone is to blame for the Israelite’s behavior, it’s God himself. He created human nature, right? And he’s been an abusive father for many generations, which often does not lead to ideal child behavior. Moses pleads with God again to be allowed into the promised land, but God refuses.

Deuteronomy 4-6

Poor Moses on the banks of the Jordan. He’s lead these ingrates for what seems like generations and he won’t be able to reap the reward with them. He has a message for them before they leave. Obey the commandments! Love God! Fear God! Obey God! I am definitely not a cult leader. Just do what God says or you’ll regret it. He recaps all the commandments in case anyone forgot, spending the most time on the no idolatry deal. So very frightened of the human need to carve sculptures and worship the sculptures.

 

Deuteronomy 7

Moses is very concerned that when his army dispossesses the people already living in the promised land, they will spontaneously start worshiping their foreign gods. I guess in those days no one could resist a shiny statue. Just gotta bow down before it. To prevent such a travesty, Moses commands that all such images should be destroyed. Seriously guys, don’t even take the jewels off the statues and bring them in your house.God will kill you.

Deuteronomy 8

The language is pretty here, but the message is the same old “be grateful, obey god” type hooey.

Deuteronomy 9-10

Moses reminds everyone that God isn’t giving his people the land because they are worthy. He’s only giving it to them because the people who already have it are worse. He airs all his grievances with them.

 

 

Kill Everyone but the Virgins!

Numbers 28

Can you believe God is still going on about all the animals he wants sacrificed to him/all the food the priests who wrote this book want to feast on?

Numbers 29

Still doing it.

Numbers 30

God doesn’t like it if you break your vows. Seems simple, but there’s a bevy of situations in which vows can be invalidated. They all involve a man breaking a vow on behalf of a woman, because we can’t have women making any vows without consulting a man. Essentially, a woman’s word is worth nothing unless ratified by a man. Isn’t that fun?

Numbers 31

God tells Moses to wage war on the Midianites to get revenge for something I can’t remember. Not letting them pass through their land? And you know eat all their food and trample their pastureland. The Israelites win. They kill all of the men. All of them. And all of the women who are not virgins. The virgins they keep as part of their plunder. I feel I must remind you once again, that this is a book people still use to justify the morality of their actions. This book.

Numbers 32

The children of Reuben and Gad think the place they just conquered (Gilead?) looks like a great place to live. They ask Moses if they can stay there. Moses gets enraged, because he thinks they are trying to get out of doing more fighting. They tell him to chill, they’ll leave the women and children behind and all the men will come help murder the people living in the land God promised to the children of Israel. Only once that task is finished will they return to their cool new city and farmland. Moses relaxes and agrees to the bargain, but of course threatens the wrath of God if they don’t keep up their end.

Numbers 33

God tells Moses to write down a log of every place the children of Israel camped during their journey out of Egypt. Then he tells him to drive everyone out of Canaan.

Numbers 34

God describes the borders of Canaan and determines who will be its chiefs.

Numbers 35

On the establishment of sanctuary cities where manslaughterers can avoid the death penalty if they stay there until the high priest dies. If they leave the sanctuary city before the death of the high priest, you are free to kill them.

Numbers 36

The children of Israel have accumulated great wealth. God has divided it between the tribes. Now some patriarchs are worried that their wealth will leave their tribe when their daughters marry so Moses decrees that the children of Israel should only ever marry their cousins. To keep the money in the family. I am not making this up.

Talking Donkey

Numbers 22

This section was very confusing, but worthwhile because it features a talking donkey. Or, to be more biblical, a talking ass.

This king names Balak does not want the Israelites tramping through his land, so he calls this guy Balaam for help. No clue who Balaam is. Another local king? Balak sends some princes to talk to Balaam.

God appears to Balaam and tells him not to help Balak, but to go with the princes. I don’t know where they’re supposed to be going. Balaam goes with the princes. That makes God angry. He told him to do it, but it still pisses him off, because God is psychotic.

An angel appears in the road. Balaam can’t see the angel, but his donkey can. The donkey runs off the road into the field, crushes Balaak’s foot against a fence and lies down. Balaak strikes the donkey, which I have to say, is pretty much what you do when a donkey is breaking your foot.

The angel opens the donkey’s mouth and the donkey says “What have I done to you that you have struck me these three times?”

Balaam says “Um, you broke my foot, dude. If I had my sword, I would kill you.”

The angel appears before Balaam and intercedes on behalf of the righteous donkey. To be perfectly fair, the donkey could see the angel and Balaam couldn’t. Balaam is just trying to do his best and he got caught up in God’s twisted mind games.

Anyway, the angel repeats what God already said which was “go with these men, but don’t say anything unless I tell you to say it.” As far as I can tell, that’s exactly what Balaam was doing until his donkey started wigging out.

Numbers 23-24

Balak asks Balaam to curse the children of Israel. Instead he blesses them three times. This angers Balak.

Numbers 25

The children of Israel start consorting with local women, so God kills 24,000 of them with a plague. Because he hates other women and he loves a narrow gene pool. Some bloke named Phinehas stops the plague by murdering an Israelite man and a local women with a javelin. God makes him a priest. Charming.

Numbers 26

Another census of the children of Israel. They are many.

Numbers 27

God hammers out some inheritance laws. He decides that it’s time to gather Moses as himself. Joshua is chosen as the next leader.

 

 

Magic Snakes

Numbers 16

Every time someone questions Moses’ leadership, God kills people. Every time. But they keep doing it. I guess I would question the leadership of a man who strands me in the desert . . .unless I see that everyone else who does so ends up dead.

250 leaders question Moses. God opens up the earth to swallow them.

The group objects to this mass slaughter, so God sends a plague that kills 14,000 people. That’s right. The punishment for being opposed to the death penalty is 14,000 deaths. Exactly how many people were in this exodus anyway? How many are left?

Numbers 17

God tells the head of every household to bring a rod into the tabernacle. He makes Aaron’s rod bloom forth almonds and blossoms.

For some reason this neat trick makes everyone who is not Aaron fear that they are about to die. Actually, it’s not unreasonable to think that God is going to wipe out thousands of people. He just did that. He likes to do that.

Numbers 18

Still going on about all the offerings that must be given to the priestly caste. I get it. Give all your wealth to the priests. That’s one element of Judeo-Christianity that has not changed. Next topic please!

Numbers 19

God really wants an unblemished red heifer. He also is deeply grossed out by dead bodies and wants anyone who touches a corpse to ritually purify himself.

Numbers 20

The children of Israel complain that they are out of water. Honestly, that’s a very real concern. The only thing that makes them seem like brats is the repetitiveness of this narrative. Can they please just get to the land of milk and honey already?

Moses strikes a rock with his staff twice and water springs out.

Ideally, God will just provide for them from now on without them having to repeat the same rigmarole about “We should have never left Egypt.”

God kills Aaron. He gives a reason for it. I find the reason inscrutable, but maybe it makes sense to somebody somewhere.

Numbers 21

They win a battle.

They complain about the food again and God kills a bunch of them with fiery serpents. Then Moses makes a bronze serpent. Anyone who gets bitten by one of the fire snakes, simple has to look at the bronze serpent to be cured. Sweet bronze serpent. Pretty cool.

Some kings refuse to let the children of Israel pass through their land, so they fight and the children of Israel win.

 

Blue Tassels

Numbers 12

Miriam, who is a person I completely forgot about, but maybe she participated in some celebratory dancing. Or maybe she’s a prophetess. Anyway, Miriam and Aaron are grumpy because Moses married an Ethiopian woman. So, they talk trash about him

God says “Every other prophet sees me in dreams, but I talk to Moses face to face. What made you think it was a good idea to speak out against my favorite?” And he turns Miriam into a leper. Nothing happens to Aaron. Because it’s important to always punish the powerless more than the powerful. Men are more powerful than women, and therefore punished less severely.

Anyway, Moses prays to God to take away Miriam’s leprosy. God agrees to just banish her from camp for seven days instead. Everyone has to wait around for a week, because they don’t want to travel without Miriam.

Numbers 13

God sends spies into the land of Canaan. They report that the land is truly full of milk and honey (literally full of grapes, though), but the cities are well populated and defended.

Caleb wants to try taking over the land, but the spies protest “Nooooooooooooooo, the men are all giants!”

Numbers 14

The children of Israel say for the billionth time “We should have just stayed in Egypt!” rather than have to fight these giants.

Joshua and Caleb say “but the Lord is with us! He will protect us.” For this the children of Israel want to stone them to death. No joke. God’s chosen people want to stone two of their own to death for believing in God’s power.

God is feeling rejected and wants to kill everyone. Moses manipulates him into forgiving them. . . kind of. He wont kill them, but he wont let anyone who rejected him get to the land of milk and honey. So, I guess instead of killing all of them, he is planning on killing a lot of them later.

Numbers 15

A man is stoned to death for gathering sticks on the Sabbath.

God tells everyone to wear blue tassels to help them remember the commandments. Hopefully that blue tassel will prevent them from being stoned to death, right?

Plague Quail

Numbers 7

The leaders of Israel bring offerings to the tabernacle for twelve days. All of the offerings are listed exhaustively. Very worldly, if you ask me. Very concerned with material things.

Numbers 8

God and Moses do some more interior decorating. The armies of Israel get ready to march to their new home.

Numbers 9

Some people are defiled by corpses but get to celebrate Passover anyway.

God appears in the form of a cloud covering the children of Israel while they travel. They are in the desert, so that sounds nice.

Numbers 10

God tells Moses to make some fancy trumpets.

Numbers 11

Things are finally happening. But the things are strange.

Some people complain about being stuck in the desert. God burns them.

They don’t seem to have learned their lesson at all and they keep complaining and reminding God of all the food they had before he made them leave Egypt. They are bored of eating manna day after day. They want meat.

Moses and God have a very sassy conversation.

Moses: Did I beget all these people? I believe not. Why am I responsible for them. Kill me now or make them stop whining at my tent door.

God: I’ll make 70 people responsible too. Spread the burden around.

Moses: Exactly how does that fix the meat problem?

God: You want meat. I’ll give you meat enough for a month. You’ll eat for a month until it comes out of your nostrils and you wish you’d never asked for meat.

Moses: Meat for a month? Are flocks of sheep just going to appear hear in the desert?

God: Who do you think I am? I AM THE LORD.

God shares Moses’ spirit among thirty men. But then a couple of dudes who weren’t among those thirty men start doing some prophesying when they shouldn’t.

Messenger boy: Moses! Moses! Eldad and Medad are prophesying in the camp!

Moses: I give no shits about that. Everyone can prophesy all they want. I’m sick of doing it.

Then God sends a bunch of quail. How nice. But everyone who eats the quail dies of plague. Because . . . benevolent deity.